I’ve been absent for a while from reading, commenting on and generally invading your blogs. The reason for this is fourfold:

First, work has picked up quite a bit with the addition of an actual contract for indigent defense from the municipal court in the next town. I now handle one-third of the cases there, and since the police there love to hand out all manner of citations, I keep pretty busy.

Second, I’ve found an apartment which, sadly, costs more than 1/10 of my monthly salary. But it’s much nicer than the place I originally picked, and the landlord seems more trustworthy. The landlord at the place I originally picked cashed my application fee check, then told me the next morning that someone else had actually turned in their application before I did and thus got the apartment. I decided not to try to press the issue and instead look at it as a sign. The new landlord is a completely insane Australian millionaire who lives in St. Augustine, Florida for 150 days out of the year, and travels for the rest of it to avoid taxation. I tried to explain that that probably wouldn’t actually work, because he was still a resident of the U.S. and the rent checks go to his office in Florida, making it U.S. income, but he wouldn’t listen and told me that his accountant swears he doesn’t have to pay income tax at all.

Third, when I thought I was moving on the 15th, I had my cable and internet disconnected. I see no reason to pay $45 to have it reconnected and disconnected again. So I’m using my neighbors’ wireless, which sometimes works, sometimes doesn’t.

Lastly, I have acquired a pleasant girlfriend who is still in the junior-high-like phase of thinking that I’m fun to be with and thus spends an awful lot of time with me. I expect when she wises up I will be able to read your blogs more often and more thoroughly.

I’m moving. My patience with Chimney-Tort Manor has been at low ebb for a few months now. I’m tired of spending money making repairs and improvements to a house I don’t own, and I’m tired of threatening to withhold rent and receiving “quit or pay rent” notices in return. I don’t have the time or the energy.

I hate trying to find an apartment at this time of year. In an already thin market, there just isn’t anything open. Who moves in February? Aside from me, I mean. Apartments are very scarce to begin with, but in winter the available list dwindles to perhaps 20.

Complicating matters no end are my desire to save money and my cat. I have pledged that I would prefer to spend about 1/10 of my gross salary on rent. Fortunately, the list of places that accept cats is almost entirely the same as the list of places that have appropriately low rents. It’s also the same list as the “best places in the county to obtain crack and/or injuries.”

Why do your own research when the dead can do it for you? Thousands of attorneys who are much better than you die every day; and now you can harness the awesome power of jurisprudence from beyond the grave. Introducing the OuiJur(2d)™, the must-have supernatural legal research tool for today’s open-minded attorney!

It’s the secret that popularly-elected but clueless Superior Court judges and commissioners have known about for years; and now it’s available to you at a low, low cost. Thanks to secret, age-old wisdom thought to be lost for generations, this board and planchette can now be mass-produced at an affordable price ($500.00 for civil, $850.00 for criminal).

Why spend hours of your time trying to find the answer to challenging legal questions when the attorney who died in a fire in your office fifty years ago already knows just how to plead?

(Available in Washington edition only.)

ALSO AVAILABLE FROM THE JOVIAL COUNSEL GIFT CATALOGUE:

Soiled and Discarded Barristers’ Wigs: Real horsehair. For decorative purposes only.

Some people just can’t drop a no-contact order. Even on Christmas. That’s where I come in.

Exchanging children of clients for holiday visitation; calling the police; answering questions that could wait until tomorrow. That’s what Christmas means to me.

Thanks to my friends who sent me shit. The Libertarian Counsel and the Young Lady of Quality Who Has Had the Singular Misfortune of Becoming Romantically Entangled with an Attorney sent me a photo-card of them dressed as Whoville truckers and a large quantity of homemade confections; The Appointed Counsel and D sent a sweet card which made me wish I had better tires to drive to them; and The Judge’s Counsel sent a lovely card and a photo of herself in Lincoln’s Inn Fields, which I have already twice utilized to facilitate immoral and unsavoury personal activities (no offense, but it’s not you– it’s the 750 years of Anglo-American jurisprudential history you’re sitting on).

My mother also demonstrated a hitherto unseen insight into my Christmas wishes, sending the first season of Magnum, P.I. DVDs, Amy Sedaris’s I Like You! and framed 8×10 glossies of my two favorite turn-of-the-century childhood homes.

My gran sent me a “Captain Jack Sparrow” Pirates of the Caribbean Halmark ornament, once again demonstrating that I need seriously to look into hiring a full-time, live-in care-giver to prevent her from burning the house down, and some socks, which I did actually ask for back in November; so maybe she’s OK.

Happy Christmas to all.

Let’s face it: more than half of all marriages in these United States end in divorce; and judging by my caseload of late, 80% of those more than 50% of marriages that end in divorce end up hiring me to represent them.

Divorce (or “dissolution,” as it’s more commonly known in Washington) is a painful and often embarrassing process. However, with a little foresight and planning, your dissolution proceeding can be a breeze!

1. Do Not Have Children: One of the most difficult (and therefore most expensive) parts of a dissolution proceeding is determining the primary residential parent. When filing your Petition for Dissolution, a dissolution with children requires at least seven extra forms.  In order to save some money and trouble, do not reproduce. Of course, if you honestly can’t control your base, animal urges, keep reading.

2. Do Not Share Embarassing or Painful Secrets with Your Spouse: Were you molested as a child? Do you worry about your ability to parent? Was your circumcision slightly botched, leaving your member lopsided? DO NOT share these secrets with your spouse. Childhood abuse can be used in conjunction with a psychological expert to prove that it is more likely than not that you will in turn abuse your children; worrying about your ability to parent can be carefully crafted into an admission of inability; sexual dysfunction is just fun to bring up in court, despite it’s lack probative value in relation to child-rearing. For best dissolution results, do not tell your spouse anything that you would not feel comfortable telling strangers out in front of the courthouse.

3. Do Not Touch Your Spouse: Any unwanted touching is defined as battery; any battery committed upon another member of your household is domestic violence. Domestic violence perpetrators are required, under Washington law, to have restricted access to their children, including shortened or supervised visitation. “Stay Safe: Stay Away!™”

4. Do Not Move Too Quickly Toward Your Spouse, or in a Way that May be “Menacing”: If an individual has a reasonable apprehension that an imminent battery is about to occur, they have been assaulted. Any assault committed upon another member of your household…. etc. See number 3.

5. Do Not Have Intimate Relations with Your Spouse without a Signed Acknowledgment of Consent: If they’re not “in the mood,” but acquiesce to your continued entreaties for “gettin’ freaky,” you may have committed marital rape. See number 3.

6. Never Ask Your Spouse Not to Do Something: Asking your spouse not to wear a certain outfit that prominently displays the nipples, not to hang out with a certain friend who gives you the creeps, or asking that he or she stay with the kids while you dash out to see your cousin who’s in town for tonight only could be viewed as controlling behavior. Let your spouse do anything he or she wants, and do not share any discomfort you may have with those actions.

7. Have A Neutral Third Party Available at All Times to Observe Your Actions: Family members and the friends of only one of the spouses lack credibility; they are more likely to lie or exaggerate an event to help out the party they have a familial relationship or friendship with. Hire a neutral, disinterested person to follow you and your spouse everywhere and observe everything that happens between you. Be sure that you pay the observer either from community funds, or that each spouse pays exactly half of the fee from their own separate property.

8. Get an Antenuptial Agreement, and Do It Right: Have an attorney draw the agreement up; then be sure that each potential spouse sees their own attorney, paying for the attorney from separate funds. Be sure to sign the agreement at least one year prior to the wedding, and that you both have law degrees and are over 25 years of age before signing. Review the agreement every six days during your marriage, and initial your continued acceptance of the terms. Do not marry until this agreement has been signed, but make it clear that you are not pressuring your potential spouse to sign the agreement. At no point during the marriage should you do anything that might break or bend the rules of the agreement.

9. Always Consult an Attorney Before Doing Anything: The first thing you do in the morning, the last thing you do before going to sleep, and the most important thing to do at all times during the day when you have to make a choice, should be to call your attorney and ask “is this the right choice, given the high probability of a divorce?” Your attorney can analyze the pros and cons of each moment of your day and tell you what choices will make you the “Good Spouse.”

Remembering these simple and handy tips will ensure that your dissolution is a successful and happy one.